Holding My Breath

Photo by Adam Hamel on Unsplash

My daughter’s debit card was recently compromised. As such, she’s been using a credit card of mine by which she is authorized. For a little over a week, while waiting for her replacement to arrive, I’ve had unusual access to witness her commute to work and home. She also calls every morning on her way to catch the bus or while she is riding to work. This past Friday it was about 15 minutes beyond when I typically hear from her. I texted, “Have a good day.” No response. I texted, “You didn’t oversleep did you?” No response. I phoned. She didn’t answer. I texted, “I imagine you’re busy at work. Check in with a text. You didn’t use the card this morning.” No response. I began to get a bit anxious. To be clear, she’s not a teenager, driving the family car for the first time. She’s not a first year college student, with a mom adjusting to her new found freedom. She is a young Black woman and the intersection of her identity in the current climate is terribly frightening to me. While attempting to self soothe, I put on “God Is,” by James Cleveland. Before “God is the joy and the strength of my life,” I received a text. It read, “Sorry. I made it to work. Busy morning.” My breath returned to my body and I continued with the day.

Hours passed. Around 7:00pm with no activity of returning home on the card, the anxiety returned. I phoned. No answer. The money my mother gave her on the 3rd of the month went unaccepted. At 8:30ish I sent a request for her location. No response. What if the earlier text wasn’t from her? What if she was forced to send it so as to “buy time?” Accordingly, I did what any mother would, I began planning plane travel to her apartment building. In the interim, I would reach out to her friends. About 25 minutes later, as I pondered how to share her disappearance, my phone rang. It was her. She feel asleep after returning home from work. Someone gave her a metro card which was used before and after work. I wept. I was grateful for the “God Is,” and that she was safe. Psalm 91 rang in my spirit. As I settled, I couldn’t believe how unsettled I in fact was and where we are as a country. The deliberate hate that prevails simply because of external identities and realities that the carrier hasn’t chosen is disturbing. If I weren’t watching people being kidnapped from work, in restaurants, driving, walking and even from their home, perhaps I would have assumed that she was just busy; but given the fact that I’ve seen pictures of toddlers being detained with zip ties, my discomfort, fear and rage intertwine daily - and that is a truth that double dutches with the faith that I possess.

Exodus 22:21 reads, “Do not mistreat or oppress a foreigner, for you were foreigners in Egypt.” And yet, individuals who say that they align with Biblical principles somehow skipped over this verse. And this one: The alien who resides with you shall be to you as the citizen among you; you shall love the alien as yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt: I am the Lord your God (Leviticus 19:34). And the one that sums it up for me, Matthew 25:40, “Truly I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of my brethren you did it to me.” As I juxtapose these scriptures with what we are witnessing, it’s no wonder that I spiraled so deeply when I couldn’t reach my child. There are people who are literally determining who has a right to live here. Ironically the strangers are calling out the strangers. Through the raids, there are mothers, wives, husbands, sisters, brothers and children who are still waiting for some action to let them know that their loved one is alive, let alone safe.

Jesus turned over tables. So, I’m thinking about how I may channel my rage, anxiety, fear and disgust to resilience, strength and boldness in standing of business as the youngins would say. Being about the business of my Heavenly Father, seeking ways to glorify Him in the earth, through service, kindness and truth. I may have to move with tears in my eyes, but I am reminded that He who began a good work shall complete it! May we each find the wisdom to be the hands and feet of the “God Is!” Be safe out there y’all and if you’re still blessed to have her, call your mama.